Hospital Wake Up
by iron maker2
Summary: Lana experience a weird morning. The story is co-written with Snake Screamer, has five stories referenced and slightly ooc Cheryl.


Lana groaned as she slowly woke up "My head... what happened."

"Jesus, It took you long enough!" Cheryl said annoyed, Lana blinked stupified as she saw she was in Archer hospital room with Cheryl, both of them naked, (With Cheryl who had several hit mark and prominent choke mark around her neck).

"What, the hell?" Lana asked confused

"Not hell, hospital, granted, not a good one but-"

"STOP!" Lana screeched, "I meant how the hell did this happen?"

"You mean before we ate Krieger armadillo eggs."

"... Again, I am horrified to ask, but, WHAT!?"

(linebreak)

"Why... And I can't stress this enough, but why would you cross an armadillo with a chicken," Mallory stated while pinching her brow, already feeling a headache, with both Cyril and Krieger looking slightly scared.

"Not just chicken-"

"KRIEGER!"

"Well, my earlier attempts at the meat-trades failed badly," Krieger stated

"Huh?" (Red witch Krieger Farms: The Taste Of Science)

"Don't ask," Cyril stated

"But then I realized, that cause I haven't tried chimeric meat, plus I had a surprising amount of armadillo parts to work with."

"... Dare I ask why you had armadillo parts?" Mallory questioned

"It's better, legally speaking, you don't know," Krieger stated

"Wait, how the hell did you get the others to eat the food? I thought the new rule where they don't eat anything unless you eat it was in effect?" Mallory said

"I might have, a Krieger bot make it seem like I was eating it," Krieger stated

Mallory growled

"CYRIL MADE ME!" Krieger pointed

"Thank you for selling me out Krieger." Cyril sighed.

"Why would you have Krieger do this?" Mallory asked

"Cause remember that little HOOF fiasco." Cyril snapped (Referencing Red witch story 'The HOOF Fiasco')

"Yes, that one going to be stuck with me till the day I die, what of it," Mallory growled

"Well... The guy Pam tasered to get the pig blanket is suing us and his nephew is the aide to Los Angeles mayor," Cyril stated

"Okay,"

"Ramona family is suing us for getting her drunk and giving her a taser."

"Alright,"

"Oh, and security camera caught Pam and Ray stealing the gift bags so Mrs. Merkins suing us for gift stealing." Krieger added helpfully.

Cyril gulped, worried that Mallory might freak out at the last one.

"Meh." Mallory shrugged "That woman a wimp, So I ain't worried about her."

"You're not mad?" Cyril stated

"About that no, besides I remember who her friend Peggy was, and something tells me she will drop her charges fast as lightning as soon as I remind Peggy about certain things."

"Err... what certain things?" Krieger hesitantly asked

"As you said, it better you don't know," Mallory stated. "But seriously, I'm more curious about the other two connection with an egg-laying Armadillo abomination?"

* * *

"So Ramona, being the cool bitch that she is, was able to hear about our drug-cartel from some guys in Miami and is willing to tell everyone to back the fuck off from suing us, but only if we give her a drug, no one ever tried before," Cheryl said as Lana was trying to find her clothes.

"Uh-huh."

"And Cyril was like, Krieger you gotta have something in your lab, and Krieger pulled out a weird-ass armadillo that had six limbs and squid parts."

That made Lana pause, "Why?"

"Said something about self-regeneration, I don't know, maybe he made it cause he was tired of Archer paralyzing Ray three out of four times."

"Technically it was only two out of four times. "

"What no way-"

"First he purposely faked it so he can enjoy the benefit of disability without being disabled, which honestly a dick move. the second time was the space crash, the third time was when those two were having a tickle fight near a defibrillator."

"It was a tickle fight? Lame, Ray made it sound like it wrestling."

"And the fourth time was kinda Cyril fault, cause when me and Archer compare notes, we both noticed Cyril was trying to cause us to pick a fight, that had an opposite effect which caused the mission to snowball and got Ray hand eaten by Audrey III."

"And took the house off the market." Cheryl said.

"...Sure." Lana said, not bothering to correct Cheryl since she didn't need a headache from the already weird morning

"Wait, if that true, why didn't you bring it up when we tease you," Cheryl muttered

"Cause, you idiots are too quick to take the next scheme and I'm bemoaning my life choices for me to rebring it back up!" Lana snapped

"Fair point, anyway, to make sure they were safe for us, we had Krieger eat the eggs it was laying. After he ate the fortieth one, we deemed it safe for eating."

"I'm going to assume that Krieger was somehow a robot duplicate program to eat." Lana sighed, but then realized something "Waitaminute. How are you even remembering all this."

"Uggh, cause the eggs are a dud with me. Cheryl stated, "Apparently I'm immune to all the side effects except addiction, which totally lame."

"Wait what, what side effects?" Lana questioned

* * *

"Apparently they free you from mental block and let them pursue there deepest wishes." Krieger finished with jazz hands

"... He's only eating a bag of corn chips while watching reruns of 'Seinfeld'!" Mallory snapped as they view surveillance tape and saw Cyril acting lazy as hell.

"Apparently Cyril deepest wish is laziness." Krieger shrugged, Making Cyril look annoyed

"Hey at least mine was quiet, compare to Ray's." All three winced as they heard Ray trying to perform a rock opera, try being the keyword. "His lyrics are terrible, how long is he going to be like this?"

"Well, he ate like eight of them, and since 12 hours have passed, I say 2 more hours," Krieger winced as Ray did a high note "What I found truly interesting though is that those with no impulse control whatsoever are completely and utterly immune."

"Are you telling me Carol not affected cause she's bloody Carol," Mallory stated annoyed

"Yepyepyep."

"Which means Ramona would also be immune," Mallory pointed out.

"... DAMNIT!" Cyril snapped angrily when he realized that true.

"Okay Krieger, try to find a new alternative, me and Cyril will kill the abomination," Mallory stated.

"Uh-huh," Krieger said paying attention to the monitor.

"ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION!" Mallory snapped slapping Krieger upside the head.

"Sorry, Jesus, I was curious as to where the hell Lana, Cheryl, and Pam went?" Krieger said

* * *

"So I decided to head out to my usual sex with Archer since he surprisingly gets hard for a guy in a coma when you actually offered to come along."

"I DID WHAT!?" Lana shrieked

"Yep, said you were tired of not getting laid and wanted to see what's sex with a coma guy was like," Cheryl stated

"This can't be happening,"

"Hey if you're worried about your daughter, you did leave her with Pam, who was acting pretty bossy" Cheryl muttered

* * *

"WHO THE FUCK IS THAT LADY!" A restaurant owner stated

"Don't know! But she so in charge and commanding I can't help but listen to her!" An employee whined

"HEY!" Pam snapped, "I said I wanted these fries deep fried, and I ask for my young ward to get more free toys dip-nuts!"

* * *

"And then you made us go to the sex store," Cheryl said.

"I did- whoah." Lana blinked as she saw the sex toys lying on Cheryl side of the room.

"Hey did you see that American Dad ep where he got his kink unlocked and he went REALLY overboard."

"Yes..."

"It was kinda like that but A LOT fewer kinks, I had to take an hour break so I could relax. But I gotta say, I GREATLY enjoyed the bondage and the choking!" Cheryl shivered excitedly "I swear your man-hands might be stronger than Barry's."

"Oh, dear god, don't tell me I did bondage on-"

"Relax most of that part was on me, though you did do some light whipping." Cheryl said pulling the sheets back to reveal some scars on Archer's torso."

"Oh, gawd," Lana groaned. "This is probably the most fucked up thing I ever did."

"Hey if it makes you feel better, our suppose eulogy for Archer if he croaks wasn't better," Cheryl said

"What do you mean?" Lana questioned

"Let just say most of the office had to go to the LA desert and buried a lot of really heavily bugged trophies before Mrs. Archer found out, and that part was the only one they remember, they don't recall the part where Cyril tried to lead them to burn Archer."

"What?" Lana asked disturbed

"Relax, Pam was able to convince Cyril we settle burning his car down." Cheryl waved her hand. (This is referencing Red Witch Archer's Wake... with Snake own contribution).

"Okay...Welp, it's been nice talking to you Cheryl but I really have to leave now, so if you told me where I put my clothes, that be-"

"Yeah, you ripped the clothes." Cheryl interrupted

Lana breathe through her nose sharply, "What?"

"You REALLY wanted to get straight to sex," Cheryl added

"GODDAMNIT! I CAN'T IMAGINE ANYONE ELSE HAVING A WORST TIME THAN ME RIGHT NOW!" Lana snapped

* * *

Cyril looked deeply haunted as he took a swig from beer.

"What's wrong with you?" Mallory stated

"A-are you serious?" Cyril stated

"Oh wah, we just burned a creature alive in the furnace till it was nothing but a charred skeleton along with the eggs. Your acting like Sterling when I forced him to kill all those baby Emu's when that farm I bought from Cheryl went tit's up." Mallory said annoyed

"I'm starting to see why Archer having a long coma," Cyril muttered.

"Oh shut up," Mallory snapped

Krieger walked into a room holding a syringe "Okay I think I have it."

"Hm-hm, and what's the effects."

"Err... well If I'm right, slow heart function, slight coughing, and sporadic limb movement. But the high... superb."

"Hmm..." At this, Mallory pointed her gun at Krieger's foot and fired

"AHHH!" Krieger yelled as he felled down.

"Hmm real, or real enough anyway," Mallory muttered, "Right Cyril, inject Krieger with the drug to see if it affects works, I am going to try and find blubber."

"Oh gawd, I hate my life and everyone in it," Cyril groaned

* * *

"Jesus, stop being a drama queen." Cheryl rolled her eyes as went to a cabinet and pulled out alcohol. At Lana confused look "What, do you honestly think Mrs. Archer wouldn't pay orderlies to sneak in alcohol after so many visits."

"Fair point," Lana sighed "What there anyway?"

"Mama Walker's Breakfast Liqueurs." Cheryl stated

Lana dry chuckled "I remember Archer talking about that brand, He said 'One of the few alcohols that composed of three cordials, blueberry pancake, maple bacon, and a glazed donut."

"Welp, gotta say, The maple bacon flavor apparently matches the taste of the meat pretty well," Cheryl said taking a swig.

Lana grabbed maple bacon and began to drink.

"It's messed up isn't it," Lana said

"Huh?"

"Our lives, were practically weirdness magnets, and we can be such hypocrite jackasses, Heck, we can't even stopped dragging a man in a coma into the weirdness, granted Archer a jackass as well, but you know what I meant."

"Yeah I don't know bout that, I do remember what my uncle, Clemson Gurken Tunt Once told me, after reading a book about a dead guy" Cheryl said

'Oh this should be good'. Lana thought.

"'In individuals, insanity is rare; but in groups, parties, nations, and epochs, it is the rule.' Which to him means for us Tunt, if we have to get swallowed by insanity, we should at least tried to find those who make us the happy and floating kind of mad and not the twisted kind of mad that just leaves you to drown," Cheryl said

"That... actually pretty sane advice," Lana admitted.

"Yeah, he was pretty lucid for a guy who took black tar heroin every time he went penguin hunting." Cheryl admitted

'There it is' Lana sarcastically quipped in her head, but she can't deny that it was still good advice.

"Hey... When do you think he's going to wake up." Cheryl, "half the schemes aren't fun without him, you know."

"I don't know... but I am honestly this close to giving Krieger the okay to try and wake him up."

"Woah, you did remember what Barry promise to do if we tried waking him ourselves." (Snake screamers story Barry Visit)

"Believe me, if it wasn't the fact Barry might target AJ as well, I would bloody say screw the consequences and order Krieger to wake him up. Despite evidence to the contrary, I really do miss that asshole," Lana admitted.

Cheryl nodded softly at that. "You know, if your still looking for clothes, There is some in the sex toy part of the room."

"Well, it's better than nothing."

"Also, welcome to hitting him in the stomach club!" Cheryl stated.

Lana sighed

"Also thank you for letting me joing the hurting his balls club." Cheryl grinned

Lana sighed deepened (Red Witch latest story, **Any News Figgis Agency?**)

* * *

"Where the hell have you two been... and why are you dress in BDSM clothes?" Ray said with a black eye.

"Don't ask, why do you have a black eye?" Lana questioned

"Krieger and Cyril apparently are not a fan of my rock opera idea, both went out to get drunk at the Tiki Bar." Ray stated

"HAHA!" Cheryl laughed as she went to the cafeteria to get some of her gummy bears."

"Well... your day been saner than mine, I experience weird shit." Lana said

"It can't be that-"

"Cheryl actually gave sound advice." Lana interrupted.

"Okay that is disturbing." Ray admitted

"I honestly expect a Lightning bolt to strike me dead." Lana stated

"Screw lightning bolt, you should worry about a damn meteor." Ray chuckled

"... Ray, do you mean if we have that discussion about your hand, you know before we engulf in the next bout of insanity and we can talk about it like sane people."

"... I kinda would like that yes." Ray admitted

"Good, just let me call Mallory I need to ask her to head to my house and get me a change in clothes."

"Don't bother, she's abit busy at the moment," Ray stated

"... Something tells me I don't want to know." Lana groaned

* * *

"Faster, Faster." Pam shouted as she and AJ were sitting in a rickshaw while Mallory pulled them along.

"How the hell am I doing everything you say!" Mallory snapped angrily.


End file.
